What do you think of the beginning of my story?

The story line is good and interesting and you certainly have a knack for creating a very vivid scene. Nicely done! But you are absolutely correct in saying your grammar is very bad. You have a number of punctuation errors, misspellings, and grammar problems. I'm guessing that's the reason why you don't have any reviews/critiques: most people on Y!A won't take the time to review a story if a writer hasn't taken the time to edit their work. Have someone you trust work over your story with a fine toothed comb and you'll be okay. Pretty good start!